Love, Wonderment and Pain

Almost to the date that it has been a year since my last post.  My last post was about being afraid.  Life is so humorous that way.  This past week of my life has been a roller coaster of love, wonderment and pain.  I truly wish there was a word in the English language that could mix all three of these emotions together.  Maybe they do all fall under the word love or maybe they are best left by themselves.

A child lost their life this week.  Ten years young.  Not ten years old....old doesn't describe this child.  He was one of those children that you admired for his courage and his love of life.  He didn't care about the mean kids and he just want to experience everything possible.  As a photographer, I want to capture everything possible.  All the emotions, the greatness that is there. The beauty that we may miss because we are too busy with everyday life.  At times this is overwhelming but I believe this why I'm usually exhausted after a great shoot.  I've searched and inspected as many viewpoints as possible for that beauty, that love of life.  Two years ago, this boy who is no longer with us on earth, was at a camp out with us and I had the chance to capture him with my camera.  I never edited this footage as life got busy with demands of life and paying work.  However, upon hearing about his death my heart knew that I had capture his being on camera.  I knew it wasn't random photos.....I had captured HIM.  His love of life had encapsulated me so that I wanted to capture this little man in his fullest.  To my amazement, I had remembered the footage well and had gotten the moment so perfectly....not for others.....but for myself.  He held a sign that said "Brave".  Brave you are boy....may many learn from the memories they have of you.  You will be missed.

Wonderment.  Being a mother you never know how your children are going to react to these types of event in life.  Where the hell is the instruction manual on parenting?  Seriously, when they pop out, out should come the manual that is tailored to them!!!  These things come up and you expect the worse, you just don't know.  My oldest, 12, I believe cried when no one was around.....as his eyes were swollen.  When I wrapped my arms around him at the funeral, asking him if he was ok, he just stated, "yes, this just happens and it is sad."  So 12.  I remember those years, removed.  My youngest, 8, as he lined up with the other cub scouts, as this child was in cub scouts, seemed brave.  I, being the observer glanced upon their faces.....distance, lost and concern.  My heart just broke.  My husband told me he shed some tears during the funeral and that was all.  He was sad when he was told but over all he has handled it well.  He knows at times that people get sick and they pass on and go to heaven.  So why as a mother am I the one struggling with this.  Probably because I know out there is a mother who didn't get an instruction manual either that said on this date....you don't get any more pages, your manual ends here.  Put my heart on dry ice and shatter please.

Pain.  Where do I start and how do I end?  As I flew to MN this past week to help my mother drive to NC to relocate her vehicle here I had a slight pain of loss.  MN was home for us for so long. I know I have plans to go visit a few good friends but that only happens every so often.  I just felt like memories were being left behind.  So many good, some not so great, but just that mold of MN that was part of us, I left in a small box placed on the side of the road.  I didn't wrap it neatly.  I felt like I just pushed it out to the side of the road.  Safe and sound, it is, in the beautiful country side but it is there none the less.

So I would like to thank Pandora for playing all of my favorite hits to cry to.  I think I have cried enough to fill a bucket this past week.  Geez.  Ridiculous.  I could try to promise to write more, however.....it has been a year and a day since last time.  So if it happens again.....we shall see.  Until then...let every ray of sunlight warm your heart and feel its warmth upon your skin because life is toooooo damn short.

Prepare

Kitchen gadgets.  I have two drawers full of gadgets and a few containers around my kitchen that contain more gadgets.  I feel prepared to cook or bake anything on a whim.  When someone says "we need to prepare", I'm always left with this worry.  Prepare!!!!  Freaks me out that I have to prepare for something.  Getting ready.  I think that is why I always wait for the last minute to do something because then I don't have to prepare, I can just do.  But procrastination is for another day....or so it shall seem.  Back to prepare. 

I tried to think about what this word means to mean when it comes to Lent.  Prepare my heart.  Prepare my mind. 

1 Peter 3:15 ESV     

But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

To be prepared to make a defense that person needs to have tools.  When ever someone brings up a hot topic about being Christian I always get this "freak me out" feeling.  Like I don't know what to say or do.  I don't want to be the Bible thumper but I have always been raised to stand up for what you believe in.  I think in this day and age we are starting to hold our tongues more being afraid of what others may think or say.  I don't feel like I have the tools....I'm not prepared to have this fight.....or am I. 

I discovered a few days ago that I didn't need much but courage (a big tool).  I had a tool and I was going to use it.  A friend posted this picture a few days ago on FB:

Now before you get all puffy and upset about this picture, I will state that my friend took feedback from others very well and I believe has had some times where those of us who say we are "Christians" act otherwise and have treated him differently.  Hmmm, ties to my dust.  Strange.  Ok!!!  Now I used to just let things like this go as I feel everyone is entitled to their opinion except.....no dang it.....I felt it was my right as a believer in Christ to state that.....this poster would read differently depending on what Christian helped her fill it out.  I felt strong and liberated that I spoke up.  And shame on what ever parent puts this sign in their children's hands.  I am a full lover of science I believe God created individuals to find answers to his Almighty Kingdom.  But I would like to defer that on some ends of the spectrum it could say that According to Science   I am: genetically defected.  Yes, it is our job to prepare children for the hardships in life and let them know that they sin.....but so do we adults are sinners.  We are weak but God has prepared us with love that we are to share with each other and prepare us to walk with Christ.  I love my tools and my new found esteem to say I'm a believer.

Dust....

I will be honest...not that I really want to be however I have never gone to an Ash Wednesday service at church.  I'm a little in shock by this admittance but if I rack my brain hard enough no service comes to mind.  So I have never been smeared with ashes on my forehead.  I was going to plan on going this year however life has gotten away from me and I won't be able to make it yet another year.  However, I was slightly turned off by the idea after reading about a church that had an Ash Wednesday drive-thru.  A what?  Yup, drive-thru.  I write from time to time about my hardship of how we have become such a society of entitlement and instant gratification.  BUT, who am I to talk?  I can't even get in my vehicle to go to church, let alone a drive thru.

This doesn't speak to my heart that I do not regard this day as important or the Lent time for that matter.  I love this time of year.  Gives me time to reflect, to give more, to grow closer to God.  This year I have a list of photos that I will take each day and blog about.  Forcing me to slow down in this crazy thing I call life and reflect upon my calling to Christ.

Today's picture is to be of dust.  As I am eager to pick up my camera after a period of rest for carpal tunnel, I have decided to wait till tomorrow.  I have a photo that I had take recently that shows dust in such a perfect way that I want to share it.

 

“Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return
Turn away from your sins and believe in the Gospel”



I love this picture as it shows the growth of relationships between people.  But dancing so delicately in the air is flecks of dust.  If we continue to remind ourselves that we were once dust and dust we shall return then whose dust is better or worse than mine.  Kind of evens out the playing field in my opinion.  Continuing to focus on Christ will keep us turned from sin.  I find as I continue to try and walk with Christ my life is much easier than the days where I couldn't fathom walking in the light and took my life into my own hands. 

So today I will remember that I am dust and to dust I shall return....tomorrow....Prepare.

The BIG "F" Word!!! FORGIVENESS!!!

I feel the need to write....even though I'm not sure what I want to write about.  My head is swimming with so many ideas, flavors and desires that I can't put my finger on one solid idea.  I have been trying to make a morning ritual of reading a devotion or just reading the bible to enrich my mind and my walk with Christ.  I find some days that is a struggle as I look around the house and view so many projects that need to be done. But I know the Devil sneaks in from time to time to distract us into not following Christ like we should.  So this morning I felt as God called me to my new space.  We converted a three season porch into an office.  Four big and bright windows to let all the light in that God has shined every day.  I grabbed my morning coffee and headed to the couch to watch some morning TV.  Not a part of my usual routine however the kids have a snow day.  But I stopped half way to the couch turned around and said NO, you should do something for Christ this morning.  But what?  My eyes lead to my new space and I opened the door and felt enlighten to surf the web for something to move me.  Proverbs 31 is my usual go to and this morning it provided much needed fruit for my soul.

My main focus for this year is change.  There are many aspects in my life that I want to change/improve.  So the verse I read moved me so much that I continued to read. 

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:19a (ESV)

Yes, yes my heart shouted....change.  As I continued to read God spoke to my heart and I knew what had to happen to truly change.  The big F word.  That is what I call it.  FORGIVENESS.  Yup, no four letter word here that is so easily to spill  off our lips.  Forgiveness is a long, difficult and much dissected word that we ponder.  Years ago I blogged that to truly grow and change....we must forgive.  I just shake my head by this small reminder.

Every few days thoughts pass through my mind about pains that I have caused others or they have caused to me.  I begin to feel dirty, dark and raw.  The longer I allow myself to think these thoughts the worse my outlook on moving forward becomes.  I find it so interesting that we have such an easy tool that God has given us yet we are so afraid to use it.  Afraid of what may happen if we just let go of dark, rooted, painful crap that fills our heart and mind.  I feel like a Baptist when I say this......That is the Devil at work!  The longer we don't utilize the tool of forgiveness the harder it gets for use to move forward in our swamp of disgust and dismay.  The darker our skies get that we have such clouded vision and can't not see good in anyone.

But even though I know I need to forgive there are things in my heart I don't feel ready to forgive...but I believe it is because I can't name all of the pain and agony that particular individuals have caused me.  So I think it is time for some writing therapy.  Not to anyone else, not to them but to myself.  I'm going to take time to write a letter to some folks that I feel are weighing heavy on my heart.  Maybe I need to print them and hide them for times I need reminding...maybe not.  The problem for me is I'm a very sensitive person and a very verbal person....I need to put words to how I feel rather than thoughts.  I hope that with these writings that I am able to pray over them and let them go.

God has much change for me over this next year.  As I'm sure He has much change for all of us.  Let God work though you and forgive so that you can truly see what He has in store for you. 

2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (NIV)

Love in the New Year with your spouse!!!

I have to admit I have been a little obsessed with a song lately...."Say Something" a little duet with A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera.  This song rips my heart into pieces for so many reasons....but most of all I think I have listened to it enough to finally know why this song effects me so.  At first, my heart and mind tied this song to a person from my past for many reasons but the biggest reason was because I walked away from him because......I loved someone more...my ex-husband and my boys.  When I had the ah-ha moment I was driving down the road and the song came on.  I felt choked up again and had to pull over to the side of the road.

You see tears flow easily however tears that are held back for too long burn and are so heavy with weight that a blurred vision sets in. At that moment I realized why this song impacted me.  This song had nothing to do with another person it had to do with me.  Because I walked away from my marriage.  Yes...I know it takes two to tango but I gave up.  Threw in the towel and didn't want to fight any more.  Didn't want to feel the way I did anymore.  I felt hurt, confused and most of all tired.  When I told him how I felt...we came to realize we felt the same.  But I look back now......

So here is my two cents...for what it is worth (since my ex-husband and I are remarried to each other), I'd say that my words might be worth every penny.  Here it is..... DON'T GIVE UP.  Say something, say anything, but talk to each other.  This is the person you are to love and hold for the rest of your life.  I know we get tied up in our jobs, money, the kids, school, what ever it could possibly be....talk to your best partner, you know the one you lay down next to every night.  I have friends right now that are past this point.  Separation or divorce is imminent.  But if you are going just day by day and want to be happy in your relationship with your spouse then by all means.....do something about it.  I hear folks that talk about their pains and being tired and such once the kids go down and it is their only time to themselves.  Well guess what.....that is the only time for your spouse as well.  Make time together, take time together.  It is as simple as telling the kids to go play and enjoy a cup of coffee together.  Or go out together with out friends.  Time for each other.

We have all these new years resolutions...to better ourselves....blah, blah.  That is great!  Please I encourage you to keep these goals.  But make another one this year, a goal to grow your relationship.  Even if you think you have a great relationship.....make it better!  If your stuck, then make time together.  If you need to go to therapy, find someone that will listen to BOTH sides.  Make it a team effort and an effort for God.  Put God at the center of your relationship and if you don't know where to start....well put your hands together, bow your head and ask God for help.  Because folks it is sooooo easy to say "Say something, I'm giving up on you....", but it takes extreme effort to grow your relationship with your spouse.  Don't swallow your pride, stand up and tell the person you are supposed to love that you love them. 

Now I'm rambling, so I'm done.  Because I think if I listen to this dang song that is on repeat on my iphone ....I'm might puke (we are talking 50+ times). 

Say something because I'm going to fight for you.  Please and thank you.

Cleaning out myself!!!!

Today I woke with the desire to be better.  Most likely due to the new year upon us and such.  However, waking up and saying I'm going to be better, do better, blah, blah can be a bit overwhelming.  I'm sure you asking yourself well how do you want to be better, do better?  Folks, everything!  Right!?  Isn't that the logical answer with the new year almost here?  Everything.  SO OVERWHELMING.  I stopped and asked myself "what exactly did I want to be better and what do I need to be better?  What in my life could be better by changes I make?  Most of all what can't I change?"

So....I decided to clean under my bathroom sink.  Dirty, cluttered, unorganized and I had no clue what was in there.  Yes, of course, the essentials were there such as my make-up drawer, deodorant and stuff....STUFF.  As I started this task I thought I would simply clean out a little three drawer system I had and call it a day.  However, the further I got into it, I realized that I had to do it all.  OCD, well maybe (shrugging my shoulders, we all have faults).  Three drawer system was emptied on the counter and I washed the drawers as I could not for the life of me remember the last time I washed the drawers.  As I peered back under the sink all I saw was a bunch of stuff, stuff and more stuff.  Shaking my head I knew I had to go through it but where do I start. Light bulb moment.  Hey this is kind of like starting over, making better.  By looking at all my stuff and deciding what will stay, what will go and will I ever use it again.  Painful as this process maybe, yes the improving my life and cleaning my cabinet.  I think when we feel the need to step forward in a better light we look at everything and don't know where to start.  I also feel as I started to take things out of the cabinet trying to decide whether to keep or get rid of it the task became even more overwhelming.  I put a kibosh on that and decided to take it all out, place on the floor and give the cabinet a good wash out and start with a clean slate.  Crap, if life was only that easy.....or is it....I think we often hold onto things in our hearts even though we have asked God to forgive us of our sins and let us walk forward with a clean slate. 

Cabinet cleaned out....floor a complete disaster.  As I looked upon the objects on the floor I realized a few things about myself.  (Ya, I probably already knew this stuff, but at times I need a reminder)  I keep things in hopes that I will get into that habit to be better but I never ever do it or continue to do it once I start.  Example, lotion, I am not a lotion person.  I actually envy the ladies that are good about taking care of their skin.  I'm the one whose dress pants in the winter are static clung to my legs because my legs are soo dry.  SMH.  But I keep small bottles of lotion.  Why, I really don't know.  Folks, I even make sure I have lotion in my travel bag....just in case I may feel the need to slather on vacation.  Who am I kidding?  LOL.  Anybody else do this?  Keep things around because one day, you may get around to do it.  Crafts, tailoring or even...loss the weight enough to get back into those size 2 pants.  Why, do we keep this stuff that we know good and well we are not going to do it. (Disclaimer, you can loss weight but I know when I was a size 2/0 I hardly ate and took terrible care of myself.  Now if you are one to take good care of yourself and work out and are a size 2/0, I'm not saying anything is wrong with it. Kudos) To be honest, I did get rid of some lotions and slathered my hands and elbows with a fabulous Burt's Bees hand crème.  I can't seem to let go completely of these lotions but I'm okay with this. 

I guess what I'm getting at is be careful as to the things you hold onto.  Examine your relationships with people, with your stuff and most of all examine your relationship with Christ.   I'm holding onto stuff in my heart that is holding me back in progressing forward in certain relationships in my life.  Philippians 3:13, "¹³ No, dear brothers, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead".  Christ speaks to this that we have to look forward not being tied down to our past as He has forgiven our past.  Move on.  Easier said than done.  But as this new years sneaks up on us don't let the devil sneak up on you and hold you hostage to your past.  You will lose.

My trashcan is full of stuff and my cabinet is cleaned and reorganized.  I'm shocked by the things I let go and really shocked by the number of small dental flosses and hand sanitizers I have.  I feel like I'm going to stop examining my past events in my life so closely that is over consumes my thoughts.  Instead, know that my past is there, recognize it but not let it control how I move forward.  In the moments that I feel my past creeping up in my thought process to ruin a moment in my life, I'm going to God in prayer to keep me focusing forward.

Ephesians 4:24 - and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Go In Peace.....

My favorite part of church service is the Benediction. 

Numbers 6:24-26
The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.'

I feel as it is the time that I feel complete.  Everything that was taught that day comes to a close, I'm given peace in the Lord and I'm meant to go reflect and show others through my actions what Christ means to me. 

It is strange how the times in my life that I have questioned my faith or if I even believed there was God, that I had no peace.  I went about my day, moving through my actions but when it came time to close my eyes at the end of the night my heart was not in peace.

These days....I get stressed out, I get wrapped up in what I am doing but I have a peace in my heart that I have never known.  Erin Maynor has a song that has the verse "Decrease me, Increase you."  A year ago I was walking with Christ but I didn't completely grasp the meaning of this verse.  But today it means more than anything and is so well said.  For true peace....I have to focus on the Lord and not on myself.  The number of times I didn't walk with the Lord it was all about me.....This doesn't mean that I don't take care of myself but if I ask and take the Lord's guidance I'm able to have his complete peace in my heart.

The Lord does blesses me and keeps me and you, the Lord's face does shine upon me and you.  He is amazingly gracious in our worst moments. (Grace is a beautiful thing)  When I "Decrease me, Increase" Him, I'm lifted up and given peace.

In what ways have you received peace from the Lord?  Have you shown Grace to other's that He has shown to you?

Storytellers - My sister

Today is a special day, a day where folks that were able to go serve on a mission trip whether local or far away spoke of their experiences.  They spoke of how God was there and they saw God in a new light.  I hope to someday be able to go on a mission trip.  I hope to take photos and capture the moments for others to experience.  Missions and the storytellers hold a special place in my heart.  It is the storytellers that are out there and doing.  Doing for others that can't do for themselves.  Their stories touched my heart in so many ways. 

Today is a special day for me.....today is my sister, Heather's, birthday.  Happy 47th birthday Heather.  This day makes my heart hurt.  My sister is homeless.  I speak of her often.  For years I was ashamed to say that I had a sister that was homeless, however I have learned by speaking of her to others makes the homeless, health insurance and mental health issues real for many people.  I have had people tell me to go get her off the streets.  Where would I start to look?  How do you help someone that doesn't want help?  The pain for my parents is so unspeakable, I'm sure there are nights they lay awake and wonder where she is and what she is doing.  The pain of this day for my parents has to be unbearable.  I'm sure for my mother it is the flashback of holding her newborn and memories of watching her grow.  The memories for my father watching her mental illness take over.  Such pain.....I wish I had the sister I grew up with.  I loved her so much.  But when the mental illness took over I didn't know that person any more.  Heather was gone.  When she decided to go to the streets, the phone calls were insane and I didn't know how to help. 

 How do I help?  I do what I can for the homeless. I try to make others understand what troubles the homeless have.  I try to teach people that they are people too.  Not just some bag of bones, warm blooded creature living on the side of the road hoping for a hope, a prayer, an answer.  I reach out in true hope that someone will reach out to her.  I had spoken years ago to a woman who had known my sister in the Texas homeless system.  (Not hard to recognize my sister as she is two inches shorter than me).  Said she was a smart girl and couldn't understand why she was homeless.  Mental health was my reply and she said sadly there are too many that suffer from that.

So today as I listened to the Storytellers tell their stories, I felt blessed to have a home church that cares for others that can't do for themselves.  I was glad to hear their stories on this day.  Her birthday.  I hope someone tells her happy birthday or maybe give her a cake.  I hope that she even recognizes that today is her birthday.  Too be very frank....I hope that she is alive and that someone see's her hazel eyes and gets inspired to help others.....become Storytellers.

Happy Birthday Heather!!!!  I love you so much and miss you. 

Bouquet of Leaves....

As I am on this women’s retreat with the subject being “Perfect”, the fig leaves we hold up for others not to see our nakedness.  The older I get the more I have learned about myself and of others.  Being a people watcher I am always amazed to watch others and see a slight glimpse of their things they hid when they feel no one is watching.  However the older I get the more amazed that I still try to aim for perfection.  Perfect house, perfect relationship with my spouse, perfect relationship with friends and of course last but not least….the perfect mother.

The analogy for the weekend is the fig leaf.  The leaf we hold up to hide our imperfections so we appear perfect to others.  I’m sure we all have them and if you think you don’t……may be time to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself.  I find that the more we use our fig leaves…..the more worn they get and then it gets to the point where a hole is worn in the leaf and all starts to fall apart.  Our mask gets wore and the elastic band no long wraps around your face to hide our pain and tears.   You feel lonely, broken and scared that all the glass balls that are held up in the air are going to fall and shatter.  We live in a society that we feel no one must see us become weak and vulnerable.  We are the strong society where you always hold your head high and never ever ask for help.

Recently I have been holding a beautiful bouquet of fig leaves.  Some thicker than others and some quit worn to the edge of flaking away to show the truth.  Some of these leaves I am not sure why they are there and others I know exactly why they are selected and what they are hiding.  The moments that I realize why I feel internal pain over something that has been eating at me for some time is the moment that life becomes a bit too real for me and I don’t want to admit these new findings. 

My son brought home his first report card for 4^th grade.  This is the year when things begin to change, classes get more challenging and there is more focus on the answers rather than the circles over a, b or c.  With two D’s, two C’s and a B, I was disappointed, deflated and to say the least angry.  The anger was something I couldn’t understand, where did it come from….why.  Well, as I slowly remove this leaf from my bouquet I am beginning to get a glimpse of these emotions…to realize that the anger is really not anger but fear.  You see as a child homework for me was a question…..”Is your homework done?”, there was no sitting down at a table and working through the problems, there was no proof reading before a report was handed in.  So I didn’t get the best grades, had plenty of missed assignments and probably wrote about 5,000 sentences that “I will finish my homework”.  I was not considered the smart kid and I don’t want him to feel that way amongst his peers too.  I fear that I don’t know how to do homework time well enough for him.  He suffers from ADHD and that makes it even harder.  When the neighborhood kids have homework done in a matter of minutes, for him it takes a about an hour or two.  It is emotionally draining on me and I don’t want to break his spirit by getting irritated that he doesn’t have the ambition.  But would you if all your friends where outside playing and you were stuck inside working on homework? I just don’t want him to become like me.  I didn’t get the good grades in school, I didn’t study, which left very little option for me when it came time for college.  What was left for me was my music to hope to get me into college and that was gone after carpel tunnel set in.  We all want the best for our children, we strive for that.  But right now I am broken and I just need to take time to breath and figure out how to move this train forward for everyone in the family to benefit.  I want school to be fun for him as he is a smart kid.  I want to be able to relax enough for my two boys so they can look forward to homework time.

The hardest part of this all……..is my act of control.  Here it is again, the me, myself and I.  No me, my husband and God.  I haven’t been giving a lot to God lately.  Not sure why but I need to put things back into his hands and let him lead me instead of me trying to run ahead of the pack.  I know He will guide us through this time and that we will get things figured out so things are better for him.  It is also all the leaves in my bouquet that I think blind me from God.  The foliage gets so thick that at times it is hard to slow down put down my leaves and leave it to God. 

Fake-ID - the lies that live on our hearts

In six days, I will be a married woman....again.  Since this is a moment in ones life not to be taken lightly, I have many moments of memories of what brought me to this point and how did my journey get me here.  You see getting married is a big deal.  Taking ones hand for a lifetime in the eyes of God, for better or worse.  Right?  However, three years ago, I thought differently.  I was unhappy with things in my life.  I decided that I had to walk away from my spouse because that is what you do when you are unhappy...right?  I spent so much time and energy focusing on how to get away from him that it was exhausting.  The farther away, the fastest route possible...the better.   Since my exspouse and I have reunited, I truly wish I would of spent my time and energy focusing on us, our family and how we can make it better. 

The sermon series right now is about your "Fake-ID", lies that you believe about yourself, lies about your life, what you do, your past, all the crap that you put between you and God.  Granted the devil is an amazing builder of walls, and allows you to think that you will never over come these walls and make God happy.  So for the past two weeks they asked us to write down on a slip of paper..."our lie".  What is it that we think about ourselves that we feel clouds God's judgement of us.  Today they shared what others wrote, obviously not sharing names of those that shared......I was amazed by the pain that is out there.  As I read these cards my heart broke and my flood gates opened.  The cry that you hold the tears in your eyes as long as you possibly can until tears cascade over your lashes.  But the one that truly killed me.....I'm in a marriage that has no love.  I remember that feeling....that thought.  The thought that I shared day in and day out with this person that I was supposed to be with forever and didn't feel loved.  I was lonely and lost.  No one should have to feel that way.  But I know I have spoken to many about their relationships and there are many people out there that live this way.  They feel that their spouse doesn't think much of them and that they are not good enough. 

So we are getting remarried.  However, there is a new man in our marriage.  God.  He is at my center and has showed me how amazing forgiveness is and how awesome love can truly be.  Don't get me wrong, I believe before but I don't truly think that I put God in my life where he is in my life now. Without God in our relationship and in our lives, I don't think I would be retaking his hand to marry.  We have a new level of patience for each other, a new love for each other.   Don't get me wrong we still have so many things to work on but we know that anything is workable and fixable.  With each repair, we learn more about each other and know what to expect going forward.  We are not perfect and goodness...we still sin, but I look forward to taking his hand again and truly becoming one before God to death do us part.

Could of, should of and would of.  I know I can't go back and change things and I don't think I would be the person I am today without the past three years.  I learned about me and realized how much I knew about him.  We are getting a chance of a lifetime to reunite again.  When the next time of unhappiness or hardship in our relationship arise, I now know that instead of running away from him and God....I need to run to God and to him.  The more we treat this relationship as a team effort and not a you and me effort the better and stronger we are.  There is nothing better than the feeling that we are one as we work together towards things whether it be with the kids, at the house or even in our jobs through support.  But I know that the moment I say this is a me thing and it doesn't involve you.....there is a break, the devil builds his wall and moves me farther from God and farther from my so-to-be spouse.

I hope with this sermon series that some hearts are healed.  I hope the person who wrote that their marriage has no love reaches out for some help.  Whether it be help for themselves or as a couple.  I hope they learn to let go of all the baggage that they are carry around about each other.  All the baggage that no longer lets them look at their spouse with love.  I hope and pray that they can learn to work as a team cause a one way street to fix a marriage or I should say build a strong marriage is a very lonely, dead end road.  I pray that their spouse hears their cries and decides it is time for a change and that the biggest change is to put God at the center of it ALL.  Most of all....I pray for that person to have some peace in their heart to know they are not alone. 

So to wrap up....as I sit here and type with tears....Fake-ID's suck.  I don't even know how to put it eloquently.  If we would stop believing the lies that live on our hearts and give it to God....anything is possible.....anything.

(my only disclaimer here to those that read this and take it as an example of what you should do with your life......if you are in an abusive relationship......go to God and others to get help) 
    

Smells Like Cookies!

Every so often I get this strong urge to bake.  I love the actions of gathering everything needed, seeing the ingredients come together but most of all I love that smell.  The smell that fills the house and you know that your baked good is almost done.  The smell that makes you salivate in anticipation of the goodies.  Another place I love the smell is an old fashion church. 

I say old fashion because my current church is an auditorium church so the warm smell of wood pews and old carpet is not there.  Makes me sad at times....to bad you can't buy that old fashion church smell kinda like that new car smell.  When we were in Europe we took time to go into some churches.  I knew the instant I heard the creak of the wood door into the sanctuary....the smell.  The smell that brings me back to the days of church as a child.  Learning about how Christ loves me no matter what.  Learning that I need to pray and ask for forgiveness.  Learning that great song, Jesus Loves Me.  Almost that smell of pure Christian innocence.  Where you just knew, you just believed.  Faith like a child. 

I sometimes wish my walk with Christ was that easy, child like.  However, as a grown adult I make it difficult.  I get blinded by so many things that the devil puts before me, blinded by my past and blinded by my struggles of not being good enough.  I know the moment my eyes become unfocused on God is when everything turns wrong.  I have been reading a new book "Soul Detox", I'm finding this book so refreshing and eye opening.  He helps you look inside at the true you and helps you take your insides and focus them only on what Christ would want.

So I have been trying to remind myself of the "old fashion church" smell.  This helps me remember what it was like to have faith like a child.  Reminds me to look up at the cross, at God, who is my Father, my leader and my forgiver.

Trip to Wander

As I am writing this entry I am sitting in Vienna, Austria.  Vienna is such a beautiful place but am amazed at how everything on Sunday comes to a halt for them to recognize the Sabbith.  Granted most pubs and restaurants are open, but all shops including the grocery stores are closed.  At first I was bothered by this concept however I think it would be nice for us to recognize the Sabbith more.  To take time to be with family or rest rather than run errands for the week or go shopping and loss focus of what is important.  I have truly enjoyed the ringing of the bells in all the towns we have been in, calling everyone to mass.  Everytime I have heard the bells I feel as if I should drop what I am doing and go to church.  However, not being Catholic...I would care not to offend.  I'm missing my church back home.  I have noticed that being away has made me appreciate and miss seeing everyone and having the worship time.

I took some quiet time this morning to do a short devotion on commitment and devotion.  Funny what you come upon when you just google some words.  I was thinking more on my relationship with my spouse but came upon a devo about my relationship with God.  I found it much needed as it helped bring my lens back into focus on the things that should be important in life and what really is not.

Speaking of what is important, at the first part of this trip, we met with distant relatives that the family has never met in Zetea, Romania.  I wish I could put my feelings into words on the experience but I find it too difficult.  Other than to say a few things.  We were welcomed with such open arms that it was such a beautiful thing.  I miss Opa more than ever now that I have met people from his past.  To look at his cousin's eyes and see him was so beautiful.  I think as Americans we get so wrapped up in the little things and wanting more that we forget the importance of family, togetherness.  Visiting these folks and taking time to get to know them through the help of an interreter helped me have a better appreciation for family.  I look forward to saving money to see these family members again and I hope that we can help bring their children over for a visit in the years to come. 

All in all, I feel blessed to be able to be on this journey in Europe.  This has been a priceless experience to watch my kids experience another side of the world that before only existed in pictures, .  I hope to continue to give them many more of these priceless experiences so that they can continue to grow to be amazing adults. 

Tomorrow.... on to Munich.

Naming it!!!! Dealing!!! Moving on!!!

The past four weeks at church we have been talking about "Hope in a House of Blues".  We all deal with troubles from the past that seem to weigh us down as we attempt to move forward.  One of the biggest parts for me from this sermon series was naming my hurt.  It is strange how we hold our pains inside and dare not to tell others; fear of being judged, scrutinized or even laughed at.  I took the leap and named some of my hurts to a friend.  The words flowed out and I felt so relieved to have named some of these pains and to find out that my friend has suffered from these pains as well.  I truly felt that God had put this person in my life so that we could be here for each other through life's pains and triuphs. 

Now that I have named some of my pains....I am able to deal with them and minimize them to the size that they truly are.  Sometimes when we hold our pain inside it begins to feel gigantic and unmanageable.  We begin to have regret and hate towards these things and I truly believe that the pain and hate start to bleed over over into other parts of our lives. Now my pains are able to be held in the palm of my hand.  I feel as if I am able to dissect them and over come them, forgive and move on in a positive light.  For once I have hope that my dark cloud is not going to weigh me down in aspects of my life.  I actually get a bit giddy when I think about relinquishing this fear and pain inside of me.

Take some time to think about pains that you are carrying with you.  Whether it be a loss of a family member or friend, loss on innocence or even the loss of trust.  Reach out to someone and name your pain.  Pray with them. Tell them so they can not only listen but offer a helping hand.  You will be amazed what God can do in your life.  Being able to restore hope in your heart will be refreshing and much needed.

The Path: Give A Glove

The Path: Give A Glove: The time for winter apparel to go on clearance is now. Get your gloves, hats and coats all on discount prices. Hurry they will be gone soo...

Give A Glove

The time for winter apparel to go on clearance is now.  Get your gloves, hats and coats all on discount prices.  Hurry they will be gone soon.  I love a good deal as I am sure most of you do to.  I also love the feeling of helping someone else out.  So I'm going to put out this challenge to you.....

Next time your are in a Target, Walmart or some retailer that sells clothes....buy a pair of gloves and a hat for an adult.  Remove the tags and keep in your car.  When you see a homeless person give them the hat and gloves.  They will be thankful.  You see, I think we take warmth for granted.  We don't grab the hat and gloves when we leave the house on these cold mornings because we go from our warm house, into our cars that have a heater and then into our final destination.  All of these locations are warm.  Now put yourself in the homeless person's shoes......where do they sleep?  Some nights, in the woods....I can't remember the last time the woods had a heater.  Your hat and gloves will help keep them warm during the times that they have no where that is warm.  This truly gives a new definition to giving a helping hand.  "Give a Glove!!!"  Reach out a hand to give a hand.  Have a blessed day.

Psalm 41:1 - ¹Blessed is he that considereth the poor: the LORD will deliver him in time of trouble.

Sour Milk

I kept thinking today about analogies that I could use to blog about tonight....but nothing seemed to click.  Driving home in this gloomy weather over the lake that was deep in fog, I thought the fog in your life doesn't disappear until you have the warmth from the Son to let you see clearly.....or perhaps the nasty bottle of sour milk that I emptied from the fridge this morning, the smell so rank that I held my breath after getting a wif.  Kind of like our life when we stand still in our faith walk and don't keep ourselves fresh with the scripture and spiritual activities that our spiritual life becomes stagnant.  Okay, okay, I think you get the picture. 

So where do you stand in your faith walk?  Feeling kind of dull, doing the same thing you do week after week....going to church and going home?  Or do you stay fresh in your walk by doing activities within your church and community that allow you to reach out?  I recently wrote about getting involved in volunteer activites to help with the homeless and those less fortunate.  I said to a close friend, "Please hold me to this, I want to stay true to my word."....She said I had to make a plan, a life plan.  So this got me thinking about "the plan".  I happen to be one that finds the word "plan" to be close to a four letter word.  I at times feel confinded by the actions of making a plan.  I have always worried about the what if's and the what not's.  I'm also one who hits the pavement running, with no shoes on and forgets to strech out first.

However, this is the first time in a long time that I am making plans, both short and long term.  I'm trying to remember that my plans aren't all about me.  My plans affect me, my family and others.  I have also in the past made plans by myself...I didn't need assistance from anyone.  I have learned from this mistake and am working to communicate my wishes and fears to the man I love and spend my life with.  I have also learned that I have to be patient and listen to the big Man upstairs.  God does truly laugh when we plan.  So with a prayerful mind I am walking my path, trying to be sure that it is the path that God has chosen for me and my family.

So as part of my plan, I am researching various outlets to get involved whether that be more at church or more so in the community.  I am amazed at the outlets that are out there for us to be more involved.  Research has shown that people that volunteer their time to help others are proven to rate their lives as happier and more confident of themselves.  God put us here to help others, especially those less fortunate.

So if your feeling slightly stangnat in your faith walk and need a little jump start, find an outlet to help someone.  This could be as simple as helping a neighbor or reaching out at church volunteering for something you have yet to do.  I know the first steps are the hardest but once a plan is in action the possibilites are endless.  Remember to enjoy the journey, don't worry God will take you to your final destination when He is ready. 

Perfect Harmony

As I am sitting here this evening, reading a bit and listening to music, I feel moved to share some thoughts.  I find it amazing that God has given us so many talents.  One talent that I find so passionate and moving is that of music.  Such an art, a movement, a slice of heaven for all of us to enjoy.  Yes, I know there is genres of music that we find we don't meld well with and others we could listen to all day.  I find it amazing what music does to us.  The mesh of tones, brought together in such beautiful harmony. 

I will never forget my symphony days...the days of playing violin or singing.  That ultimate feeling that overtakes you as you play your part and join in together as a group.  The feeling of the vibration of your instrument as you strike the chord so perfectly that your instrument hums.  My son for Christmas got a children sized guitar.  As I was picking a few notes and heard the perfect hum of the note so right, that "pung" took me back to the days of playing violin, when you were in perfect pitch.  I have truly enjoyed having my children have such love for music.  We shall see if that develops over the years.

But such wonderment that God created this thing....this sound that moves us.  The movement not just to move our bodies but move our emotions and spirit.  Take us to memories and places near and far after you hear a tune.  The beauty of a musician with the gift given to them to use part of the body to make music.  I remember the pain that I felt in my fingers and hands after playing for hours.  But the wonderment that I received from playing was so much more than the pain. 

I don't play violin anymore as my hands can't handle the pain.  But I am still moved and feel as if there are times that I am still in the orchestra playing.  I miss it and wonder where life would be if I had that path before me.  However, I have learned the path isn't there for a reason.....it is not the path that God has for me.  For some strange reason, (with tears in my eyes right now), I have learned to accept that.  There will be other arts out there for me to explore.

However, as I sit here this evening listening to Yanni, (dorky I know), I am moved by his music.  His ability to take such notes that invoke strong emotions to take me to places I once knew and hope to know again. I know there are other talents and arts that I will be able to express emotions and beauty in the future.  I am thankful to God to give us amazing musicians that can put together sounds to remind us how truly amazing He is. 

The Short Worn Path

The holidays are over and things have come to settle down in my life.  I found December to be one of the best times in my life, meeting new friends, making strong connection, doing some volunteer work and just feeling a peace in my heart.  Now January is here and I feel a lull.  I am sure we have all experienced lulls in our life....that stuck feeling, like where is the road to go.  I have learned to recognize the lulls in my life and how to handle them.  But the first part of recognition is to pinpoint the cause and for the life of me, this past week...the cause has been hidden from me until today.

One of my favorite sayings is "the Lord works in mysterious ways."  Every morning, as I head to work, I get off at my exit to look sadly at the path that has been worked away by those that stand at the exit with a sign.  This isn't a sign announcing huge sales for discount furniture or $5 foot longs....the sign pretty much reads...."Homeless, Jobless, Hungry, God Bless."  In the mornings this short, gravel pathway is not occupied by a person holding a sign.  I always figured it was either to early or they liked to sleepin...where ever it is that they sleep.  There has been times that I have used this exit during the day...the occupied time.  I never carry cash and don't really know what to give them.  I always chuckle that I have a can of soup or a granola bar....just not sure if they would want it.  The pain that there is an actual path worn away by them standing there is painful enough.....but the day I saw a woman standing there.....was so painful.  You see, I have a secret that I used to keep, however I have learned that sharing my secret has helped others view the homeless differently....my sister, about nine years ago, chose to be homeless.  No, not drugs, not lazy, but mental health.  Many ask me as to why I don't go get her and save her.....I have no idea where she is and no idea where to start.  I know she is Texas and that is all that I know.  And to be honest, I do not know if she is even alive.  So on the day that the "person with the sign" was a woman, I felt moved and scared.  I have wanted to do more volunteer with the homeless and just don't find the time.  This past week, during my lull, numb time, in the morning, in 20 degree weather, a new "person with the sign" appeared.  He is a man, appears to be in his 30's with a coat that has hood.  No hat and no gloves, but he has a sign.  I don't read the signs anymore....the only part I see is God Bless.  The fact that he had no gloves, has bothered me for days.  I need to remedy this situation.  Back to my lull......

I wanted to sleep in today, not go to church, to crawl inside my lull and not work to let go of my funk.  But I said enough was enough.  We went to church and I listened carefully for something to be said to help me see.....Becoming involved in my church is important.  Volunteering with various groups and honing into our given talents helps us grow as individuals and as a group as a whole for the betterment of others and the church as well.  Even though my life was busy over the holidays I made sometime to volunteer.  I felt complete like I helped and I still managed to get the laundry done.  So many things in my life are going so well....but I forgot to work to do something that can help me feel complete. 

So I need to become involved at church and by volunteering to do what I can to help the homeless.  It may not help my sister directly but it will help others in her position.  I just hope that God has someone out there that will help her in her times of need.  Give her shelter, food and a slice of dignity when they can.

Holiday Love and Cheer!

So I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed.  So much to do and so little time.  My mind is heavy with worries of travel, of dealing with difficult family members and just plan worry of the good ol' typical question.....Am I doing the right thing?  I love the holidays....but then again...I down right hate the holidays.  We spend so much hustle and bustle for what?  I like the festive decorations, the music and spending time with one another.  But this gift for that person and this gift for another....the problem of money and spending evenly.  All the thought and worry that goes into that.  I made the FB comment of "Change your thoughts.....change your life."  I need to do this right now and I need to allow God in to help.  I allowing myself to get pulled down by the past that doesn't even matter.

So instead of dwelling on the crap....I'm going to speak to some positive things in my life right now:

This weekend I had an amazing experience volunteering at church.  I won't go into detail however I will give you numbers.  Over 4,000 toys/gifts donated, 300 families given the opportunity to shop for their families with dignity and joy, over 150 volunteers helped these families, the families paid $12,000 which in turn is turned around to the food bank to help feed the hungry for the next two months.  Amazing what a group of people can do if they come together with a common goal in mind.  I was uplifted from this experience.

We have currently joined a community group at church.  I feel as if the Holy Spirit has led us to the right group and I feel we are building life long friendships.  The joy I feel from these new beginnings is so great.  I am amazed by how much we have in common with these people but also how much we can learn from each other.  Our children are also building relationships with the other children in this group. 

We leave soon to go travel to go home to celebrate Christmas with family.  I love this time of gathering.  The food, the laughter and the tears.  This is my first Christmas back with my extended "married" family.  This will be a Christmas of memories as this is the first Christmas with out the Oma and Opa.  They have passed on and we won't hear their songs from the forgien land and hear their laughter.  But we will remember them by listening to the CD that was recorded years ago of their songs.  I also look forward to being with my children this Christmas.  Being back together as one family....all of us under one roof.

And lastly but not the least....my soon to be husband....again and I are planning our second wedding.  I'm excited for this celebration.  I am ready to exchange vows with him again and feel like this is the bond that is meant to last.  This wedding feels so different.  Maybe due to the fact that I am at a different point in my life.

So many negative things I could dwell on and let them destroy my spirit....But that is not what God wants from me.  I am to remember to love others, love myself and remember that I am loved. 

Money, money, money

Closing the loopholes continue and the topics keep getting dirtier.  Last week the discussion of tithing and this week sex!!!!  Holy smokes let me tell you I have gone home from church these past two weekends and my head is spinning.  I thank the Lord that I am not Catholic or the guilt would ruin me.  I must say these two sermons have me viewing these two topics in a very different light.  I wanted to blog on the tithing, giving financially to the church, however......well what is there to say.............alot.

Okay, okay, I guess I will discuss this heavy topic.  So the Bible states that you should give 10% of your earnings back to the church.  Now, I am wondering if they figured out the equation of inflation for this percentile.  I'm guilty.  I have never tithed 10%....okay there I said it.  Man that hurts.  I can seriously give random excuses why....but they would be just that...excuses.  Sigh.  So I do have a goal to be better about giving financially to the church.  This is a true goal of mine.  Now, I can hear some thoughts being thought of the case of well...why should I give to the church?  God will provide.  I mean really blogger, they are a tax free institution, churches get cost breaks all the time right?  So why should I tithe 10% of my hard earnings.  I can not do this sermon justice however let me shed some light on this lovely topic from a side not heard often.  I used to work for a church...I was a paid employee.  I sat in church council meetings where finances were discussed.  We were an older church, we had a building that needed repair, supplies that need replacing and a church membership that was getting grayer and numbers decreasing due to various reasons.  Now, let's take your home or even apartment for that matter.  You have bills.  You need water, electricity, trash removal, repairs, a few new things here and there and food.  So does a church.  All these things add up.  Programs for children cost money, supplies for Sunday school can add up fast.  Now I hear you again, but...but...what about donations of supplies?  Well folks, donations of supplies help...but they don't keep the lights on and they sure as heck don't keep things looking all shiny and new.  We live in a society that likes new but we want the feeling of established.  You can't have that unless things are cared for and people return.  Blah, blah, blah.  I could go on and on.  But if you love your home, that God gave you good fortune to have...you care for that home.  God brought you to your home church and you should take responsibility to care for it and make it a home.  So I will work to increase my giving to get to my 10%.  I think with time, I will feel the blessings that come with this gift of giving to give thanks for all the amazing things He has blessed me with. 

I'm done with that soap box and haven't even gotten on the topic of SEX!!!!  Well, I think I need a few more days to digest that lesson before I open my heart and purge. 

On a personal note, things are going pretty good.  I have worked hard to relate these sermons to my everyday life and focusing on staying closer to Christ rather than straying from Christ.  I have had moments where I have said to myself...this action will not get you anywhere closer to Him or those around you.  And by diverting my behavior...I have been much happier.  Working very hard to stay focused on my man and Christ and my family.  I have been thinking about my focus and dedication to my relationship with him and if I only give half-hearted.....I will not get anywhere and our relationship will not be as awesome as it can be.  So I have been taking moments to step back and pray for peace to feel better about something or a prayer for an answer to why things are a certain way.  I have been working to create my relationship with not only my man but my man and Christ.  I feel this is a much stronger unit in the long run.  Everyday is work but I am enjoying every minute of it.