The BIG "F" Word!!! FORGIVENESS!!!

I feel the need to write....even though I'm not sure what I want to write about.  My head is swimming with so many ideas, flavors and desires that I can't put my finger on one solid idea.  I have been trying to make a morning ritual of reading a devotion or just reading the bible to enrich my mind and my walk with Christ.  I find some days that is a struggle as I look around the house and view so many projects that need to be done. But I know the Devil sneaks in from time to time to distract us into not following Christ like we should.  So this morning I felt as God called me to my new space.  We converted a three season porch into an office.  Four big and bright windows to let all the light in that God has shined every day.  I grabbed my morning coffee and headed to the couch to watch some morning TV.  Not a part of my usual routine however the kids have a snow day.  But I stopped half way to the couch turned around and said NO, you should do something for Christ this morning.  But what?  My eyes lead to my new space and I opened the door and felt enlighten to surf the web for something to move me.  Proverbs 31 is my usual go to and this morning it provided much needed fruit for my soul.

My main focus for this year is change.  There are many aspects in my life that I want to change/improve.  So the verse I read moved me so much that I continued to read. 

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:19a (ESV)

Yes, yes my heart shouted....change.  As I continued to read God spoke to my heart and I knew what had to happen to truly change.  The big F word.  That is what I call it.  FORGIVENESS.  Yup, no four letter word here that is so easily to spill  off our lips.  Forgiveness is a long, difficult and much dissected word that we ponder.  Years ago I blogged that to truly grow and change....we must forgive.  I just shake my head by this small reminder.

Every few days thoughts pass through my mind about pains that I have caused others or they have caused to me.  I begin to feel dirty, dark and raw.  The longer I allow myself to think these thoughts the worse my outlook on moving forward becomes.  I find it so interesting that we have such an easy tool that God has given us yet we are so afraid to use it.  Afraid of what may happen if we just let go of dark, rooted, painful crap that fills our heart and mind.  I feel like a Baptist when I say this......That is the Devil at work!  The longer we don't utilize the tool of forgiveness the harder it gets for use to move forward in our swamp of disgust and dismay.  The darker our skies get that we have such clouded vision and can't not see good in anyone.

But even though I know I need to forgive there are things in my heart I don't feel ready to forgive...but I believe it is because I can't name all of the pain and agony that particular individuals have caused me.  So I think it is time for some writing therapy.  Not to anyone else, not to them but to myself.  I'm going to take time to write a letter to some folks that I feel are weighing heavy on my heart.  Maybe I need to print them and hide them for times I need reminding...maybe not.  The problem for me is I'm a very sensitive person and a very verbal person....I need to put words to how I feel rather than thoughts.  I hope that with these writings that I am able to pray over them and let them go.

God has much change for me over this next year.  As I'm sure He has much change for all of us.  Let God work though you and forgive so that you can truly see what He has in store for you. 

2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (NIV)

Love in the New Year with your spouse!!!

I have to admit I have been a little obsessed with a song lately...."Say Something" a little duet with A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera.  This song rips my heart into pieces for so many reasons....but most of all I think I have listened to it enough to finally know why this song effects me so.  At first, my heart and mind tied this song to a person from my past for many reasons but the biggest reason was because I walked away from him because......I loved someone more...my ex-husband and my boys.  When I had the ah-ha moment I was driving down the road and the song came on.  I felt choked up again and had to pull over to the side of the road.

You see tears flow easily however tears that are held back for too long burn and are so heavy with weight that a blurred vision sets in. At that moment I realized why this song impacted me.  This song had nothing to do with another person it had to do with me.  Because I walked away from my marriage.  Yes...I know it takes two to tango but I gave up.  Threw in the towel and didn't want to fight any more.  Didn't want to feel the way I did anymore.  I felt hurt, confused and most of all tired.  When I told him how I felt...we came to realize we felt the same.  But I look back now......

So here is my two cents...for what it is worth (since my ex-husband and I are remarried to each other), I'd say that my words might be worth every penny.  Here it is..... DON'T GIVE UP.  Say something, say anything, but talk to each other.  This is the person you are to love and hold for the rest of your life.  I know we get tied up in our jobs, money, the kids, school, what ever it could possibly be....talk to your best partner, you know the one you lay down next to every night.  I have friends right now that are past this point.  Separation or divorce is imminent.  But if you are going just day by day and want to be happy in your relationship with your spouse then by all means.....do something about it.  I hear folks that talk about their pains and being tired and such once the kids go down and it is their only time to themselves.  Well guess what.....that is the only time for your spouse as well.  Make time together, take time together.  It is as simple as telling the kids to go play and enjoy a cup of coffee together.  Or go out together with out friends.  Time for each other.

We have all these new years resolutions...to better ourselves....blah, blah.  That is great!  Please I encourage you to keep these goals.  But make another one this year, a goal to grow your relationship.  Even if you think you have a great relationship.....make it better!  If your stuck, then make time together.  If you need to go to therapy, find someone that will listen to BOTH sides.  Make it a team effort and an effort for God.  Put God at the center of your relationship and if you don't know where to start....well put your hands together, bow your head and ask God for help.  Because folks it is sooooo easy to say "Say something, I'm giving up on you....", but it takes extreme effort to grow your relationship with your spouse.  Don't swallow your pride, stand up and tell the person you are supposed to love that you love them. 

Now I'm rambling, so I'm done.  Because I think if I listen to this dang song that is on repeat on my iphone ....I'm might puke (we are talking 50+ times). 

Say something because I'm going to fight for you.  Please and thank you.