Monday, July 11, 2011

The Fixer Upper

So I have Blogger's Block.  Which actually said out loud sounds like a disease.  I wish there was a way that I could take these numerous thoughts in my head, through my fingers onto my screen.  (Sigh, what ever happened to pen and paper)  So I listened to the sermon on the computer today as we were not able to make it to church this past Sunday.  I took notes and tried to have some thoughts come to me as to what to blog. But I'm sitting here, I have typed out the beginning of two thought processes...highlighted...then deleted.  I promise I will tie this somehow to the sermon...maybe.  So when in doubt...the best practice....brutal, raw, honesty.

Change is hard.  With change in our lives we have stress.  I don't handle stress well.  I wish I could be one of those laid back, easy going people without a care in the world.  Or to be able to handle my cares on a lighter note.  This past week, I found that some of my stressors really didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things.  I believe that I put a greater importance on these things that didn't matter because I didn't want to deal with the big issues that stared me in the face. My rekindled relationship with my exhusband and my relationship with God. 

They say it is cheaper to build a new house than to remodel one.  Being that I have personally remodeled two homes in  my past....I can attest that this statement is true.  It is easier to have a new relationship with someone else than continue to work on one from the past.  There is no dirt in a new relationship.  With the old relationship, you have a foundation but there are so many obstacles that you either have to remove or work around.  Remodeling has to also be a joint effort and all the while coexist during this rebuilding process.  If you have ever lived in a home during a remodeling project....let me ask you.....how was your relationships with those in the house with you?  Did you just begin to ignore that the hot water was nonexistent?  Did you just accept that if you flickered the switch just right and jiggled the plug the coffee maker might work? You learn to accept the dust.  Makes me think of the movie Money Pit...two quirky people, that had true love for each other, saw a grandeur picture, failed to really look to each other for help, everything crumbled around them including their relationship, but in the end the house is beautiful again and they are happily ever after.  I swear God is going to break me before He puts me back together.....I failed to look to my ex for help, I failed to look to God.  I am getting so wrapped up in all the other crap, all the stuff that doesn't matter. 

I don't stop and ask for help.  I am afraid to admit that I am weak. So I put on my armour, put up my fists and prepare for the worst.  Then I grow distant and find it is easier to do it myself than to lean on the one person I am supposed to lean on.  I think we can all say that we have that kind of relationship with God.  Being the imperfect beings that we are.  We get so wrapped up in the things that truly don't matter, we forget to look to God.  When things get bad, we are broken and decide that it is time to look to the cross for some strength.  So I feel broken. 

I need to stop focusing on all the things that just don't matter.  I need to step beside this person that I made a promise to in the past and work to rebuild this relationship.  I need to stop feeling like I hold the hammer and the nail and ask for some help.  Remembering that there is no "i" in Team for a reason.  But it is allowing myself to be broken by God, allowing God to mold me and my partner into a strong foundation and home.  But it is all part of change, of stress and of compromise.  I hope that I am strong enough to do this.  To let go and just be. I have to put God first and put an effort into working on this relationship.  If God wants this to work, He will show me how to do this.

Great link to Joyce Meyer's on forgiveness...to move forward in any relationship this needs to be done....together.  http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=six_ways_to_find_unforgiveness

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Happy Half-Year!!!! STOP!!!

You never realize how fast you are moving through your life until something in your life makes everything come to a standstill.  This past week, God made me come to a screeching halt.  I was looking forward to time with an out of town friend and then going camping with my family at the end of the week.  Dinner on Monday evening was tasty except my body was telling me something wasn't right.  Amazing how God gave us this mechanism called...pain.  I am known to be a wimp when it comes to pain. So I decided to be strong and decide that I had indigestion and went to work Tuesday morning.  I mean, I had to interview someone at 9am.  I could make it through.  But as I drove to work each bump that my car went over sent shooting pain through my body.  Okay, I don't need to go to the ER, I will go to urgent care.  I went to urgent care to be sent to the ER that turned into a late night surgery.  Hmmm, never made that 9am interview.  I had to come to a stop at my job, no longer felt the drive of success at my paid job, I felt a slight pang of failure that I could no longer perform my duties and had to step aside to take care of me....my body....my health.

So I am a wimp when it comes to pain...but an even bigger weakness of mine is asking for help.  I had no choice but to ask for help.  However, my typical venues of help were not around. My mom lives in another state, my man was out of town with our boys, they would not let me drive myself to the hospital.  So...I called my boss.  I believe that God puts people in our life for a reason.  Let me tell you about this woman who is my boss.  When I met this woman, I knew I could learn from her.  Her smart business sense and strong willed to keep the business moving forward.  The more I have worked with her, the more I have learned about her personally.  She has gone through somethings in her life that I have experienced or am experiencing and she is able to give me words of wisdom because she has been there, done that.  There was no ounce of guilt from her that she took her entire day to be beside me.  She made sure I was cared for and that all went well.  She was my channel of communication with my mother, my man and my out of town friend.  I knew that everything was taken care of and that she was at my helm.  I am sure my drugged state helped with my pure awe of her, but as I am writing this, non-drugged, she did what Jesus would do.  Man that sounds cheesy, but it is so true.  I felt so blessed to have her in my life and thankful to God for putting my life in connection with this amazing woman and her awesome family. (I work with her daughter and husband)

Before this happened, I kept wishing for a day to do nothing but sleep.  Ugh, the saying, "Be careful what you wish for", is so true.  I got my days to do nothing but sleep and heal.  I hate having to stop.  To really reflect upon things and think too much.  I saw a headline to an article that said..."Happy Half-Year!!!"  So I took some time to look at how far I have come with life in the past six months.  New job, new home, new rekindled relationship, better time with my boys, new friendships.  Alot has changed in my life in six months and I don't think I have allowed myself time to appreciate the change, accept the change and understand and accept my failures or my successes.

I am thankful for all of it, good and the bad. I am not perfect.  Don't think I really wanted to go through surgery to realize all of this but God does have his way at times to make us stop and learn the lessons of life.  I understand this entry is all over the place but I felt I wanted to put these thoughts down.  I will continue to scrub off the adhesive stickiness left by various bandages applied by the hospital.  Such a symbol to me of forgiveness of my sins and starting anew. I am thankful that my surgery was minor in the grand scheme of things.  I feel God is telling me to slow down abit and enjoy the moments in life instead of trying to get to the next deadline or next moment.