Bouquet of Leaves....

As I am on this women’s retreat with the subject being “Perfect”, the fig leaves we hold up for others not to see our nakedness.  The older I get the more I have learned about myself and of others.  Being a people watcher I am always amazed to watch others and see a slight glimpse of their things they hid when they feel no one is watching.  However the older I get the more amazed that I still try to aim for perfection.  Perfect house, perfect relationship with my spouse, perfect relationship with friends and of course last but not least….the perfect mother.

The analogy for the weekend is the fig leaf.  The leaf we hold up to hide our imperfections so we appear perfect to others.  I’m sure we all have them and if you think you don’t……may be time to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself.  I find that the more we use our fig leaves…..the more worn they get and then it gets to the point where a hole is worn in the leaf and all starts to fall apart.  Our mask gets wore and the elastic band no long wraps around your face to hide our pain and tears.   You feel lonely, broken and scared that all the glass balls that are held up in the air are going to fall and shatter.  We live in a society that we feel no one must see us become weak and vulnerable.  We are the strong society where you always hold your head high and never ever ask for help.

Recently I have been holding a beautiful bouquet of fig leaves.  Some thicker than others and some quit worn to the edge of flaking away to show the truth.  Some of these leaves I am not sure why they are there and others I know exactly why they are selected and what they are hiding.  The moments that I realize why I feel internal pain over something that has been eating at me for some time is the moment that life becomes a bit too real for me and I don’t want to admit these new findings. 

My son brought home his first report card for 4^th grade.  This is the year when things begin to change, classes get more challenging and there is more focus on the answers rather than the circles over a, b or c.  With two D’s, two C’s and a B, I was disappointed, deflated and to say the least angry.  The anger was something I couldn’t understand, where did it come from….why.  Well, as I slowly remove this leaf from my bouquet I am beginning to get a glimpse of these emotions…to realize that the anger is really not anger but fear.  You see as a child homework for me was a question…..”Is your homework done?”, there was no sitting down at a table and working through the problems, there was no proof reading before a report was handed in.  So I didn’t get the best grades, had plenty of missed assignments and probably wrote about 5,000 sentences that “I will finish my homework”.  I was not considered the smart kid and I don’t want him to feel that way amongst his peers too.  I fear that I don’t know how to do homework time well enough for him.  He suffers from ADHD and that makes it even harder.  When the neighborhood kids have homework done in a matter of minutes, for him it takes a about an hour or two.  It is emotionally draining on me and I don’t want to break his spirit by getting irritated that he doesn’t have the ambition.  But would you if all your friends where outside playing and you were stuck inside working on homework? I just don’t want him to become like me.  I didn’t get the good grades in school, I didn’t study, which left very little option for me when it came time for college.  What was left for me was my music to hope to get me into college and that was gone after carpel tunnel set in.  We all want the best for our children, we strive for that.  But right now I am broken and I just need to take time to breath and figure out how to move this train forward for everyone in the family to benefit.  I want school to be fun for him as he is a smart kid.  I want to be able to relax enough for my two boys so they can look forward to homework time.

The hardest part of this all……..is my act of control.  Here it is again, the me, myself and I.  No me, my husband and God.  I haven’t been giving a lot to God lately.  Not sure why but I need to put things back into his hands and let him lead me instead of me trying to run ahead of the pack.  I know He will guide us through this time and that we will get things figured out so things are better for him.  It is also all the leaves in my bouquet that I think blind me from God.  The foliage gets so thick that at times it is hard to slow down put down my leaves and leave it to God. 

Fake-ID - the lies that live on our hearts

In six days, I will be a married woman....again.  Since this is a moment in ones life not to be taken lightly, I have many moments of memories of what brought me to this point and how did my journey get me here.  You see getting married is a big deal.  Taking ones hand for a lifetime in the eyes of God, for better or worse.  Right?  However, three years ago, I thought differently.  I was unhappy with things in my life.  I decided that I had to walk away from my spouse because that is what you do when you are unhappy...right?  I spent so much time and energy focusing on how to get away from him that it was exhausting.  The farther away, the fastest route possible...the better.   Since my exspouse and I have reunited, I truly wish I would of spent my time and energy focusing on us, our family and how we can make it better. 

The sermon series right now is about your "Fake-ID", lies that you believe about yourself, lies about your life, what you do, your past, all the crap that you put between you and God.  Granted the devil is an amazing builder of walls, and allows you to think that you will never over come these walls and make God happy.  So for the past two weeks they asked us to write down on a slip of paper..."our lie".  What is it that we think about ourselves that we feel clouds God's judgement of us.  Today they shared what others wrote, obviously not sharing names of those that shared......I was amazed by the pain that is out there.  As I read these cards my heart broke and my flood gates opened.  The cry that you hold the tears in your eyes as long as you possibly can until tears cascade over your lashes.  But the one that truly killed me.....I'm in a marriage that has no love.  I remember that feeling....that thought.  The thought that I shared day in and day out with this person that I was supposed to be with forever and didn't feel loved.  I was lonely and lost.  No one should have to feel that way.  But I know I have spoken to many about their relationships and there are many people out there that live this way.  They feel that their spouse doesn't think much of them and that they are not good enough. 

So we are getting remarried.  However, there is a new man in our marriage.  God.  He is at my center and has showed me how amazing forgiveness is and how awesome love can truly be.  Don't get me wrong, I believe before but I don't truly think that I put God in my life where he is in my life now. Without God in our relationship and in our lives, I don't think I would be retaking his hand to marry.  We have a new level of patience for each other, a new love for each other.   Don't get me wrong we still have so many things to work on but we know that anything is workable and fixable.  With each repair, we learn more about each other and know what to expect going forward.  We are not perfect and goodness...we still sin, but I look forward to taking his hand again and truly becoming one before God to death do us part.

Could of, should of and would of.  I know I can't go back and change things and I don't think I would be the person I am today without the past three years.  I learned about me and realized how much I knew about him.  We are getting a chance of a lifetime to reunite again.  When the next time of unhappiness or hardship in our relationship arise, I now know that instead of running away from him and God....I need to run to God and to him.  The more we treat this relationship as a team effort and not a you and me effort the better and stronger we are.  There is nothing better than the feeling that we are one as we work together towards things whether it be with the kids, at the house or even in our jobs through support.  But I know that the moment I say this is a me thing and it doesn't involve you.....there is a break, the devil builds his wall and moves me farther from God and farther from my so-to-be spouse.

I hope with this sermon series that some hearts are healed.  I hope the person who wrote that their marriage has no love reaches out for some help.  Whether it be help for themselves or as a couple.  I hope they learn to let go of all the baggage that they are carry around about each other.  All the baggage that no longer lets them look at their spouse with love.  I hope and pray that they can learn to work as a team cause a one way street to fix a marriage or I should say build a strong marriage is a very lonely, dead end road.  I pray that their spouse hears their cries and decides it is time for a change and that the biggest change is to put God at the center of it ALL.  Most of all....I pray for that person to have some peace in their heart to know they are not alone. 

So to wrap up....as I sit here and type with tears....Fake-ID's suck.  I don't even know how to put it eloquently.  If we would stop believing the lies that live on our hearts and give it to God....anything is possible.....anything.

(my only disclaimer here to those that read this and take it as an example of what you should do with your life......if you are in an abusive relationship......go to God and others to get help) 
    

Smells Like Cookies!

Every so often I get this strong urge to bake.  I love the actions of gathering everything needed, seeing the ingredients come together but most of all I love that smell.  The smell that fills the house and you know that your baked good is almost done.  The smell that makes you salivate in anticipation of the goodies.  Another place I love the smell is an old fashion church. 

I say old fashion because my current church is an auditorium church so the warm smell of wood pews and old carpet is not there.  Makes me sad at times....to bad you can't buy that old fashion church smell kinda like that new car smell.  When we were in Europe we took time to go into some churches.  I knew the instant I heard the creak of the wood door into the sanctuary....the smell.  The smell that brings me back to the days of church as a child.  Learning about how Christ loves me no matter what.  Learning that I need to pray and ask for forgiveness.  Learning that great song, Jesus Loves Me.  Almost that smell of pure Christian innocence.  Where you just knew, you just believed.  Faith like a child. 

I sometimes wish my walk with Christ was that easy, child like.  However, as a grown adult I make it difficult.  I get blinded by so many things that the devil puts before me, blinded by my past and blinded by my struggles of not being good enough.  I know the moment my eyes become unfocused on God is when everything turns wrong.  I have been reading a new book "Soul Detox", I'm finding this book so refreshing and eye opening.  He helps you look inside at the true you and helps you take your insides and focus them only on what Christ would want.

So I have been trying to remind myself of the "old fashion church" smell.  This helps me remember what it was like to have faith like a child.  Reminds me to look up at the cross, at God, who is my Father, my leader and my forgiver.

Trip to Wander

As I am writing this entry I am sitting in Vienna, Austria.  Vienna is such a beautiful place but am amazed at how everything on Sunday comes to a halt for them to recognize the Sabbith.  Granted most pubs and restaurants are open, but all shops including the grocery stores are closed.  At first I was bothered by this concept however I think it would be nice for us to recognize the Sabbith more.  To take time to be with family or rest rather than run errands for the week or go shopping and loss focus of what is important.  I have truly enjoyed the ringing of the bells in all the towns we have been in, calling everyone to mass.  Everytime I have heard the bells I feel as if I should drop what I am doing and go to church.  However, not being Catholic...I would care not to offend.  I'm missing my church back home.  I have noticed that being away has made me appreciate and miss seeing everyone and having the worship time.

I took some quiet time this morning to do a short devotion on commitment and devotion.  Funny what you come upon when you just google some words.  I was thinking more on my relationship with my spouse but came upon a devo about my relationship with God.  I found it much needed as it helped bring my lens back into focus on the things that should be important in life and what really is not.

Speaking of what is important, at the first part of this trip, we met with distant relatives that the family has never met in Zetea, Romania.  I wish I could put my feelings into words on the experience but I find it too difficult.  Other than to say a few things.  We were welcomed with such open arms that it was such a beautiful thing.  I miss Opa more than ever now that I have met people from his past.  To look at his cousin's eyes and see him was so beautiful.  I think as Americans we get so wrapped up in the little things and wanting more that we forget the importance of family, togetherness.  Visiting these folks and taking time to get to know them through the help of an interreter helped me have a better appreciation for family.  I look forward to saving money to see these family members again and I hope that we can help bring their children over for a visit in the years to come. 

All in all, I feel blessed to be able to be on this journey in Europe.  This has been a priceless experience to watch my kids experience another side of the world that before only existed in pictures, .  I hope to continue to give them many more of these priceless experiences so that they can continue to grow to be amazing adults. 

Tomorrow.... on to Munich.

Naming it!!!! Dealing!!! Moving on!!!

The past four weeks at church we have been talking about "Hope in a House of Blues".  We all deal with troubles from the past that seem to weigh us down as we attempt to move forward.  One of the biggest parts for me from this sermon series was naming my hurt.  It is strange how we hold our pains inside and dare not to tell others; fear of being judged, scrutinized or even laughed at.  I took the leap and named some of my hurts to a friend.  The words flowed out and I felt so relieved to have named some of these pains and to find out that my friend has suffered from these pains as well.  I truly felt that God had put this person in my life so that we could be here for each other through life's pains and triuphs. 

Now that I have named some of my pains....I am able to deal with them and minimize them to the size that they truly are.  Sometimes when we hold our pain inside it begins to feel gigantic and unmanageable.  We begin to have regret and hate towards these things and I truly believe that the pain and hate start to bleed over over into other parts of our lives. Now my pains are able to be held in the palm of my hand.  I feel as if I am able to dissect them and over come them, forgive and move on in a positive light.  For once I have hope that my dark cloud is not going to weigh me down in aspects of my life.  I actually get a bit giddy when I think about relinquishing this fear and pain inside of me.

Take some time to think about pains that you are carrying with you.  Whether it be a loss of a family member or friend, loss on innocence or even the loss of trust.  Reach out to someone and name your pain.  Pray with them. Tell them so they can not only listen but offer a helping hand.  You will be amazed what God can do in your life.  Being able to restore hope in your heart will be refreshing and much needed.

The Path: Give A Glove

The Path: Give A Glove: The time for winter apparel to go on clearance is now. Get your gloves, hats and coats all on discount prices. Hurry they will be gone soo...

Give A Glove

The time for winter apparel to go on clearance is now.  Get your gloves, hats and coats all on discount prices.  Hurry they will be gone soon.  I love a good deal as I am sure most of you do to.  I also love the feeling of helping someone else out.  So I'm going to put out this challenge to you.....

Next time your are in a Target, Walmart or some retailer that sells clothes....buy a pair of gloves and a hat for an adult.  Remove the tags and keep in your car.  When you see a homeless person give them the hat and gloves.  They will be thankful.  You see, I think we take warmth for granted.  We don't grab the hat and gloves when we leave the house on these cold mornings because we go from our warm house, into our cars that have a heater and then into our final destination.  All of these locations are warm.  Now put yourself in the homeless person's shoes......where do they sleep?  Some nights, in the woods....I can't remember the last time the woods had a heater.  Your hat and gloves will help keep them warm during the times that they have no where that is warm.  This truly gives a new definition to giving a helping hand.  "Give a Glove!!!"  Reach out a hand to give a hand.  Have a blessed day.

Psalm 41:1 - ¹Blessed is he that considereth the poor: the LORD will deliver him in time of trouble.

Sour Milk

I kept thinking today about analogies that I could use to blog about tonight....but nothing seemed to click.  Driving home in this gloomy weather over the lake that was deep in fog, I thought the fog in your life doesn't disappear until you have the warmth from the Son to let you see clearly.....or perhaps the nasty bottle of sour milk that I emptied from the fridge this morning, the smell so rank that I held my breath after getting a wif.  Kind of like our life when we stand still in our faith walk and don't keep ourselves fresh with the scripture and spiritual activities that our spiritual life becomes stagnant.  Okay, okay, I think you get the picture. 

So where do you stand in your faith walk?  Feeling kind of dull, doing the same thing you do week after week....going to church and going home?  Or do you stay fresh in your walk by doing activities within your church and community that allow you to reach out?  I recently wrote about getting involved in volunteer activites to help with the homeless and those less fortunate.  I said to a close friend, "Please hold me to this, I want to stay true to my word."....She said I had to make a plan, a life plan.  So this got me thinking about "the plan".  I happen to be one that finds the word "plan" to be close to a four letter word.  I at times feel confinded by the actions of making a plan.  I have always worried about the what if's and the what not's.  I'm also one who hits the pavement running, with no shoes on and forgets to strech out first.

However, this is the first time in a long time that I am making plans, both short and long term.  I'm trying to remember that my plans aren't all about me.  My plans affect me, my family and others.  I have also in the past made plans by myself...I didn't need assistance from anyone.  I have learned from this mistake and am working to communicate my wishes and fears to the man I love and spend my life with.  I have also learned that I have to be patient and listen to the big Man upstairs.  God does truly laugh when we plan.  So with a prayerful mind I am walking my path, trying to be sure that it is the path that God has chosen for me and my family.

So as part of my plan, I am researching various outlets to get involved whether that be more at church or more so in the community.  I am amazed at the outlets that are out there for us to be more involved.  Research has shown that people that volunteer their time to help others are proven to rate their lives as happier and more confident of themselves.  God put us here to help others, especially those less fortunate.

So if your feeling slightly stangnat in your faith walk and need a little jump start, find an outlet to help someone.  This could be as simple as helping a neighbor or reaching out at church volunteering for something you have yet to do.  I know the first steps are the hardest but once a plan is in action the possibilites are endless.  Remember to enjoy the journey, don't worry God will take you to your final destination when He is ready. 

Perfect Harmony

As I am sitting here this evening, reading a bit and listening to music, I feel moved to share some thoughts.  I find it amazing that God has given us so many talents.  One talent that I find so passionate and moving is that of music.  Such an art, a movement, a slice of heaven for all of us to enjoy.  Yes, I know there is genres of music that we find we don't meld well with and others we could listen to all day.  I find it amazing what music does to us.  The mesh of tones, brought together in such beautiful harmony. 

I will never forget my symphony days...the days of playing violin or singing.  That ultimate feeling that overtakes you as you play your part and join in together as a group.  The feeling of the vibration of your instrument as you strike the chord so perfectly that your instrument hums.  My son for Christmas got a children sized guitar.  As I was picking a few notes and heard the perfect hum of the note so right, that "pung" took me back to the days of playing violin, when you were in perfect pitch.  I have truly enjoyed having my children have such love for music.  We shall see if that develops over the years.

But such wonderment that God created this thing....this sound that moves us.  The movement not just to move our bodies but move our emotions and spirit.  Take us to memories and places near and far after you hear a tune.  The beauty of a musician with the gift given to them to use part of the body to make music.  I remember the pain that I felt in my fingers and hands after playing for hours.  But the wonderment that I received from playing was so much more than the pain. 

I don't play violin anymore as my hands can't handle the pain.  But I am still moved and feel as if there are times that I am still in the orchestra playing.  I miss it and wonder where life would be if I had that path before me.  However, I have learned the path isn't there for a reason.....it is not the path that God has for me.  For some strange reason, (with tears in my eyes right now), I have learned to accept that.  There will be other arts out there for me to explore.

However, as I sit here this evening listening to Yanni, (dorky I know), I am moved by his music.  His ability to take such notes that invoke strong emotions to take me to places I once knew and hope to know again. I know there are other talents and arts that I will be able to express emotions and beauty in the future.  I am thankful to God to give us amazing musicians that can put together sounds to remind us how truly amazing He is. 

The Short Worn Path

The holidays are over and things have come to settle down in my life.  I found December to be one of the best times in my life, meeting new friends, making strong connection, doing some volunteer work and just feeling a peace in my heart.  Now January is here and I feel a lull.  I am sure we have all experienced lulls in our life....that stuck feeling, like where is the road to go.  I have learned to recognize the lulls in my life and how to handle them.  But the first part of recognition is to pinpoint the cause and for the life of me, this past week...the cause has been hidden from me until today.

One of my favorite sayings is "the Lord works in mysterious ways."  Every morning, as I head to work, I get off at my exit to look sadly at the path that has been worked away by those that stand at the exit with a sign.  This isn't a sign announcing huge sales for discount furniture or $5 foot longs....the sign pretty much reads...."Homeless, Jobless, Hungry, God Bless."  In the mornings this short, gravel pathway is not occupied by a person holding a sign.  I always figured it was either to early or they liked to sleepin...where ever it is that they sleep.  There has been times that I have used this exit during the day...the occupied time.  I never carry cash and don't really know what to give them.  I always chuckle that I have a can of soup or a granola bar....just not sure if they would want it.  The pain that there is an actual path worn away by them standing there is painful enough.....but the day I saw a woman standing there.....was so painful.  You see, I have a secret that I used to keep, however I have learned that sharing my secret has helped others view the homeless differently....my sister, about nine years ago, chose to be homeless.  No, not drugs, not lazy, but mental health.  Many ask me as to why I don't go get her and save her.....I have no idea where she is and no idea where to start.  I know she is Texas and that is all that I know.  And to be honest, I do not know if she is even alive.  So on the day that the "person with the sign" was a woman, I felt moved and scared.  I have wanted to do more volunteer with the homeless and just don't find the time.  This past week, during my lull, numb time, in the morning, in 20 degree weather, a new "person with the sign" appeared.  He is a man, appears to be in his 30's with a coat that has hood.  No hat and no gloves, but he has a sign.  I don't read the signs anymore....the only part I see is God Bless.  The fact that he had no gloves, has bothered me for days.  I need to remedy this situation.  Back to my lull......

I wanted to sleep in today, not go to church, to crawl inside my lull and not work to let go of my funk.  But I said enough was enough.  We went to church and I listened carefully for something to be said to help me see.....Becoming involved in my church is important.  Volunteering with various groups and honing into our given talents helps us grow as individuals and as a group as a whole for the betterment of others and the church as well.  Even though my life was busy over the holidays I made sometime to volunteer.  I felt complete like I helped and I still managed to get the laundry done.  So many things in my life are going so well....but I forgot to work to do something that can help me feel complete. 

So I need to become involved at church and by volunteering to do what I can to help the homeless.  It may not help my sister directly but it will help others in her position.  I just hope that God has someone out there that will help her in her times of need.  Give her shelter, food and a slice of dignity when they can.