In six days, I will be a married woman....again. Since this is a moment in ones life not to be taken lightly, I have many moments of memories of what brought me to this point and how did my journey get me here. You see getting married is a big deal. Taking ones hand for a lifetime in the eyes of God, for better or worse. Right? However, three years ago, I thought differently. I was unhappy with things in my life. I decided that I had to walk away from my spouse because that is what you do when you are unhappy...right? I spent so much time and energy focusing on how to get away from him that it was exhausting. The farther away, the fastest route possible...the better. Since my exspouse and I have reunited, I truly wish I would of spent my time and energy focusing on us, our family and how we can make it better.
The sermon series right now is about your "Fake-ID", lies that you believe about yourself, lies about your life, what you do, your past, all the crap that you put between you and God. Granted the devil is an amazing builder of walls, and allows you to think that you will never over come these walls and make God happy. So for the past two weeks they asked us to write down on a slip of paper..."our lie". What is it that we think about ourselves that we feel clouds God's judgement of us. Today they shared what others wrote, obviously not sharing names of those that shared......I was amazed by the pain that is out there. As I read these cards my heart broke and my flood gates opened. The cry that you hold the tears in your eyes as long as you possibly can until tears cascade over your lashes. But the one that truly killed me.....I'm in a marriage that has no love. I remember that feeling....that thought. The thought that I shared day in and day out with this person that I was supposed to be with forever and didn't feel loved. I was lonely and lost. No one should have to feel that way. But I know I have spoken to many about their relationships and there are many people out there that live this way. They feel that their spouse doesn't think much of them and that they are not good enough.
So we are getting remarried. However, there is a new man in our marriage. God. He is at my center and has showed me how amazing forgiveness is and how awesome love can truly be. Don't get me wrong, I believe before but I don't truly think that I put God in my life where he is in my life now. Without God in our relationship and in our lives, I don't think I would be retaking his hand to marry. We have a new level of patience for each other, a new love for each other. Don't get me wrong we still have so many things to work on but we know that anything is workable and fixable. With each repair, we learn more about each other and know what to expect going forward. We are not perfect and goodness...we still sin, but I look forward to taking his hand again and truly becoming one before God to death do us part.
Could of, should of and would of. I know I can't go back and change things and I don't think I would be the person I am today without the past three years. I learned about me and realized how much I knew about him. We are getting a chance of a lifetime to reunite again. When the next time of unhappiness or hardship in our relationship arise, I now know that instead of running away from him and God....I need to run to God and to him. The more we treat this relationship as a team effort and not a you and me effort the better and stronger we are. There is nothing better than the feeling that we are one as we work together towards things whether it be with the kids, at the house or even in our jobs through support. But I know that the moment I say this is a me thing and it doesn't involve you.....there is a break, the devil builds his wall and moves me farther from God and farther from my so-to-be spouse.
I hope with this sermon series that some hearts are healed. I hope the person who wrote that their marriage has no love reaches out for some help. Whether it be help for themselves or as a couple. I hope they learn to let go of all the baggage that they are carry around about each other. All the baggage that no longer lets them look at their spouse with love. I hope and pray that they can learn to work as a team cause a one way street to fix a marriage or I should say build a strong marriage is a very lonely, dead end road. I pray that their spouse hears their cries and decides it is time for a change and that the biggest change is to put God at the center of it ALL. Most of all....I pray for that person to have some peace in their heart to know they are not alone.
So to wrap up....as I sit here and type with tears....Fake-ID's suck. I don't even know how to put it eloquently. If we would stop believing the lies that live on our hearts and give it to God....anything is possible.....anything.
(my only disclaimer here to those that read this and take it as an example of what you should do with your life......if you are in an abusive relationship......go to God and others to get help)
